Monday, August 25, 2014

How I figured out what I wanted: Part II

This is a continuation of Part I.

The next summer, (last summer) I was still going strong with my new plan. At this point it wasn't even an active plan, it had just become an integrated part of the way I live my life. Things were good. The dream of meeting someone was still very much on the forefront of my mind, but I knew that it wasn't in my hands. What a relief to come to terms with the idea that what is ahead of us is beyond our control.
When a friend called about a co-worker she wanted me to meet, I was unsure. I wasn't willing to risk losing the momentum I'd gained since November. She said she'd prayed about it for days before she came to me. When I agreed to meet him, I knew it would be different than any time before. I knew what I wanted in my life, and what kind of person it would require as a partner. That could quickly reveal if this would be a good fit for me. {Not in a way that would come off as rude, or unaccepting, but that we just weren't looking for the same things, or headed in the same direction.}
When I met Jeff, one of the first things I learned about him was that he attended church on his own. I can tell you all of the wonderful things that followed, but the important thing is that he was already the man that he was meant to be before I ever came into his life. He knew what he valued in his life and was all that much more appreciative that I also knew what I valued in mine. We were the people we wanted to be, which meant that neither of us were fighting with a feeling or desire to be someone else. With that out of the way, we were able to find out quickly if we were compatible, and easily navigate our feelings for each other.

With everything else pushed out of our focus, we were able to actually see each other.



We could see that we were physically attracted to each other, we could have the difficult, revealing conversations that allowed us to know each other better, and were able to move forward at a faster, but healthier pace than I'd ever experienced. It was rejuvenating. Like taking the biggest, deepest breath of my life. The ability to pinpoint my needs and wants in my life allowed me to see things clearly, without all of the fog from before.
Suddenly it felt so easy. Why was it always so hard? I wondered. How could I search for the thing I wanted without knowing what that thing actually meant to me?
I don't know how I could explain it any clearer. This isn't the catch-all method to snatch up the right guy. I don't know what that is. I just know, in my heart of hearts, that had I met Jeff in 2012, I would have blown it. I might have misread his best qualities, that I'm able to cherish now, as something I wasn't able to comprehend. I may have been unsure about getting so involved so quickly. I may have blown it. I may have missed out on him completely.
I can't put into words how great it feels to know that the woman I'm meant to be is in love with the man that he's meant to be.

Anybody remember this clip?

If you made it to the end of both those posts, buy yourself a vanilla cone. Thanks for reading.

Xoxo
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Friday, August 22, 2014

How I figured out what I wanted.

Since becoming an engaged couple, I've found myself reading every article that crosses my path about how to love him, how to be a good wife, what marriage is really like...

I don't know how to be a good wife yet, so I'll leave that to the pros. In my last few months as a single woman (not actually single, just not yet married) I still have a few things to offer the ladies out there every day, still in the fight. And trust me, I'll not soon forget out tough it is out there. Trying to find a mate has singlehandedly baffled me more than any other thing I've faced. Buying a house, navigating my way through bad jobs, finding my place in a career, two back surgeries, the hardest thing of them all was trying to find my place in a relationship that was, well, right.
Even after years of searching, giving thought to all kinds of possibilities, I thought I could nail down what it was that I wanted, but every time I came out on the other end of giving it a try, I couldn't. I didn't know what I wanted from this man that I was looking for, to fulfill me, or put up with me, or give me a family, or support my dreams; it was too much to work out in my head, and try to meet someone in the process. {We work really hard to make things extra difficult on ourselves.}
I wish I could've told myself to give it time, but it was impossible. I needed to meet someone now, someone I could begin building a life with. Talk about pressure on a first date. It was just so hard.
In November of 2012, I had a change of heart. It had been nagging at the back of my mind for several months, maybe years, but I couldn't ignore it anymore. Finally I realized that the only way to find the right man was to first be the woman that I was meant to be. I had always known that the woman I would be as an adult would be a version of my mother; her God-loving, strong-will, patience, and bursting at the seams with love and appreciation is where I was headed, but hadn't quite gotten there. I realized that until I became the woman that held those qualities, and a woman that is willing to prepare for the commitment and dedication that it would require, it wasn't going to happen.
I firmly believe that until you are the right woman, God will not send you the right man. Perhaps that's not the right idea for you, but it made total sense to me. Maybe it sounds crazy to say that the whole thing rides on that, but for me, it was.
So, I made a plan to begin attending church every Sunday. If I could be there to learn, and show patience and commitment to my new life, I knew that I couldn't go wrong. When I lost faith, I read this scripture over and over.

I told myself that I couldn't rush what was meant for me, and that every day I was learning and becoming the woman I wanted to be.
At what point do you decide that you're not just having fun, and get serious about what you want? Obviously there is still plenty of fun to be had, but I mean the real, bare-bones of who you are. It was time for me to figure out what I really valued, and what I really held important and true to my heart.
In those next months I was able to sort through my ideals; instead of random ideas and plans firing away in my brain, which never really got me anywhere. I found that my mind was so full of things, both insignificant and important, that I had never taken even a moment to delve into them and make a decision. I promised to dedicate as much time as it took to figure it out. After several months, I was able to pinpoint what I wanted out of life. At least at this point of my life. I enjoy taking care of my home, my family members, I thrive when I can live by a routine, getting exercise, my yoga class, taking time to make dinner each night, and keeping my body and mind healthy. I found that there were things that made me unhappy, even uneasy; drinking, and the guilty/worthless feeling that followed, things that stole my joy, or added unneccesary stress to my life, and procrastination. I began to phase out the bad and bring in more good. Through this process, I was able to start making each day work for me, days that included joy and a long awaited peaceful feeling at the end of them.

This post has become very long! So, come back Monday for Part II.

Have a great weekend.

Xoxo Pin It

Friday, August 15, 2014

Friday!

The bathroom is closer to completion... But just needs a few more details finished! I love it!

The "engagement hallway". This is the paint job Jeff worked on the day we got engaged... Always reminds me of that day when I walk by. :)

One of my favorites from Imstagram this week. 

And Edie and Angus' first day of school. Just kidding. They didn't go to school. 

Have a wonderful weekend!

Xoxo
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